


An Answer To The Question

by protectginozasquad



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, F/M, it's just a study on that episode, lust vs roy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2015-07-28
Packaged: 2018-04-11 19:46:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4449872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/protectginozasquad/pseuds/protectginozasquad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riza Hawkeye's thoughts on mortality. Royai. It is a determination Riza makes after the Lust Vs. Roy fight. Riza POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Answer To The Question

**Author's Note:**

> Riza Hawkeye thinking about her relationship with Roy, informed by the fight with Lust.

It's a funny question, really, especially for someone in my position. 

Who would I rather die first? Me or Roy?

It's a question lovers ask themselves in secret. You hope the day will never come, when reality will have nothing to do with what you want, and it's a morbid subject. But after Ishval, nothing seems morbid anymore. 

I found the answer the day we fought Lust, when she was so sure, sure enough to mock me, to taunt me. That day I learned that the homunculi were human enough, because only a human would know that the best way to torture someone is with their lover's death. 

I didn't like when we split up in the first place that night. Not that I doubted Lieutenant Havoc's abilities. He simply doesn't have the kind of experience I do protecting the Colonel. When we talked it over later, I knew how things could have been done differently. How both of them could survived with fewer injuries. How I could have survived without a partially broken heart. But Alphonse and I parted with the Colonel and Havoc, and I pushed the foreboding as far back as I could. 

_He's the Flame Alchemist, perhaps the most powerful alchemist there has ever been. He's future leader of Amestris. He can handle this._

But when Lust met us in front of that giant door, the weight of the world seemed to saunter up with her, and the world's weight is mostly measured in suffering. 

"Candidate? A second one?" Alphonse's voice always sounded like an echo, like the pit at the bottom of my stomach that was growing with each passing second.

"Yeah, you and mister gallantry." 

I didn't understand what she was talking about. I didn't want to understand. 

"I think I was about to send the lieutenant to join her superior."

"Wait a minute... So when you said you'd already had to kill someone..." I understood. "...it can't be..." I knew. "...you didn't..." I knew that he was dead. "YOU BITCH!!"

I fired my guns. All of them. Every round, every bullet. Roy was dead. This woman had killed him. Nothing mattered. Nothing, except killing her. But it was useless. The holes my guns should have left disappeared like dreams, quickly and with hardly a shadow, and Roy was still dead and she was still alive and my guns, like my life, were all but useless. 

I knew at that moment that I couldn't live without him. It was not the first time I knew I loved him, but it was the greatest assurance I could have ever needed. I fell to my knees, feeling more brokenness than I ever would have thought possible. 

Time seemed to have slowed almost to a stop, and I wanted it to speed up. I wanted Alphonse to leave. It was over. Purpose, meaning, fullness, all of it had vanished as quickly as my bullets did on Lust's skin. I admit it. I wanted to die. Alphonse, such a brave young boy, but so naive.  
Couldn't he see that this world held nothing for me anymore? There was no human transmutation for me. My colonel was gone, and nothing could change that. 

"Leave me and save yourself!"

"I won't!"

Please. Please. "Run!" I have nothing. There is no future for me. 

"I won't leave you! I'm sick of watching people die. I'm not going to sit back and let anyone else get killed, not while I can protect them!"

"Well-spoken. I couldn't agree more."

I heard his voice, but still I knew he was dead. My heart, broken in half as it was, must have been playing tricks. 

And then Alphonse transmuted the floor into a wall, a shield. 

I started to believe when I felt the heat. Oddly, despite the warmth, I felt like I was underwater. I couldn't even hear Lust as she screamed. But I could feel the warmth that could only come from one place, one person. Only fire felt like that.

"Colonel!" I screamed for him. Alphonse held me in his cold, metal arms, pulling me back from running toward the colonel. I didn't care how badly I got burned, I had to see him. I had to touch him, to hold him, to feel his heartbeat. But Alphonse, dear Alphonse, protected me from Lust, from death, from myself. He didn't let me go until we heard the homunculus disintegrate. The dust fell like raindrops.

I ran to him. I don't remember much after that. I remember the sobbing, Alphonse leaving us briefly, clutching Roy's hand in mine, apologies on both sides. I didn't tell him then. Maybe I should have. 

But I knew. 

I had my answer. 

It's selfish. But I know I can't live apart from Roy. And Roy could probably go on without me. Don't misunderstand: he loves me, too. He also, someday, may be devastated with loss. But he is stronger than I am. I could never die second. I wouldn't survive it.


End file.
